Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Shocking Research On "The Douchenheimer"

I recently spent a totally kickass week in Miami, FLA, and on the ride down, I found myself constantly thinking of one thing: the Douchenheimer. I had noticed that in Athens there seemed to be an increase in the Douchenheimer population, but where was this flood coming from? It was leading me to less sleep.

Then, once in Miami, I made a startling discovery. Now, this is some serious research and I am thinking of contacting a medical institute in hopes of curbing future generations of Douchenheimers. Upon entering our hotel, which was totally bitchin', we soon met our neighbors. Now, right away I knew something was up because I had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. This was a feeling I only got when in the presence of Douchenheimers. After peeking into the room, I nearly vomited. There must have been 12 of them. Douchenheimers everywhere.

It was at this point that I began to piece together the exact science that is the Doucheheimer. And know I will divulge this information to you, my loyal readers. First off, the gene which causes Douchenheimerness orginates in the New England region. How do I know this? All our neighbors were of this region of this great, great nation. However, it is Boston which is the focal point, or "hot spot" if you will, of the Douchenheimer.

Now that we have pinpointed an exact origin of the gene itself, I must now give you the characterists of one, so that you yourself do not encounter one. Or even worse, become one. From the top, there is the hair. The more gel the better (in the case of the Douchenheimer). They douse themselves in that shit. And the hair must not lie on the head, but rather stick up. If the hair lies down, then the gel must hold it in place like some sort of helmet from a 1930s football team. From there, we have necklaces. Thats right men. Necklaces. With an s, as in plural. As you proceed, you come to the shirt. Button down shirt, however, you would think that they were missing top buttons. That is because they have no use at all for atleast the top 2. In fact, the 3rd and 4th were often missing as well. In addition, a popped up collar. For what reason you may ask, I myself have not unlocked this portion of the Douchenheimer, but trust me, if I find out, you all will be the first to know. So there we have a heads up on what to look for.

Now that I have laid out a look and an origin, I must suggest that something be done. Perhaps it is the water there in the region and if that is the case, we must inform the proper authorites. Friends and colleauges of Civy, I implore you to stay away from Douchenheimers and please, please, do not fall victim to the disease itself. Together, if we hold strong, we can win this battle. I know we can.

Also note the picture below and you yourself will be able to get a visual of the Douchenheimer I have described.

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