Sunday, March 27, 2005

Who is that Fat Guy, and What Did He Do with the REAL Kevin Smith?

Last night I fell asleep early. I didn't go out and get McWasted. In fact, I didn't drink any booze at all (unless you count that beer I had with dinner--which I don't). I fell asleep early after watching Louisville and Illinois come back from twenty and fifteen point deficits respectively. By the time Salim had showered and got onto the bus and yelled at Hassan for taking that stupid shot, I was knocked out.

At this point you're probably asking yourself why does this matter. What does this have to do with Kevin Smith? Nothing. Everything. Because I went to bed early, I woke up early. And only in the early, eyes-half-opened mornings do people see Jersey Girl on the channel guide and think it's a good idea to watch it.

What. The fuck. Was I thinking?

This movie (calling it that weakens the term itself) was terrible. Awful. I don't want to bore you with the details. I don't want to bore you by telling you that it was sad, predictable, poorly written, unfunny garbage. I don't want to bore you by telling you all of the unfunny appearances by celebrities who either:
  1. Owe Kevin Smith big time.
  2. Are being blackmailed because Kevin Smith has pictures of them doing it with a Russian prostitute on a pile of trash.
This is not what I was expecting. Kevin Smith, in the timespan of one film has transformed from that slapstick, obscene, joke-a-minute friend we all have and like to be around, and into that guy sitting in the back seat of those Nissan commericals singing "Man, it Feels Good to be a Woman." I liked Kevin Smith's other movies because they were funny. They wern't the same predictable bullshit you get when you go see How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. They have lines like "You are the ones who are the ball-lickers!" They refer to Stink-Palming. They are about dorky guys who read comics and work crappy jobs and sell drugs and generally are not productive members of society. And they are hilarious.

Jersey Girl was bad. Real bad. Bad enough to make me sit down and re-examine my life. I wish I was joking about this. I own, on DVD, Clerks, Chasing Amy, and Dogma (my brother has Mallrats), and have watched the director commentaries on them all. I don't know that I could define High School without these films. We were watching one of them all the time. The summer before our senior year, when we'd get bored someone (usually Chad) would bring up the idea of watching Mallrats in his basement. And because nobody could think of anything better to do, we'd do it. I never even thought about regretting any of those nights until now.

I'm not afraid to admit that I fell asleep the first time I watched Chasing Amy, even though, at heart, it is a chick-flick. I want to focus on this viewing of a film i've seen--and remained awake for--twenty-plus times, because after seeing Jersey Girl I think I might have been onto something. I'm not a psychology major, but I took PSYC 1101, and on occasion I went to class. Freud says all sorts of stuff about the ego, the superego, and the id; and although I don't really remember what those are, I'm pretty sure that at least one of them roughly translates to this: If you didn't think Chasing Amy was good enough to stay awake for the first time, then you knew Kevin Smith has always sucked, but hadn't acknowledged it until now.

And if this is true, part of my high school experience was fake. But I don't want to go that far. Seeing Jersey Girl, did, however, make me come to two conclusions:
  1. Jersey Girl is so bad, that it falls into the realm of Films that I'm Afraid to Admit I've Seen. See Little Women (yes, Little Women) for a more in-depth explaination.
  2. Aliens have abducted Kevin Smith, created a robot clone of his body (ala the Evil Bill and Evil Ted Robots) which is controlled by those little, funny-talking aliens who smoke cigars in the Men in Black movies. Seriously.

Now, according to, Evil Kevin Smith is returning to his roots: making another Clerks movie. I can only hope that the aliens return the real Kevin Smith in time, before Evil Kevin Smith ruins Clerks 2 by trying to make it a "real" movie with things like "plots," "character developement," and "Ben Affleck."

Feech. Out.

1 comment:

C. S. said...

"If you didn't think Chasing Amy was good enough to stay awake for the first time, then you knew Kevin Smith has always sucked, but hadn't acknowledged it until now"

---In all fairness Feech, your initial viewing of Chasing Amy did not begin until 1am that night AND those in attendance who had already seen the movie (such as myself) did not make it through to the end.