Sunday, April 03, 2005

BCS: Burrito Championship Series

BCS: Works much like the College Football BCS in that it really doesn't make any sense. The lower the score, the better. Compromised of three criteria, equally weighted. Computer polls have been eliminated.

The competitors: Moe's, Qdoba, Barberitos, Taco Bell.

Formula components: Price. The Aluminum Foil Test. Tasty Nug-ishness.

The PRICE is self explanatory, unless you an idiot, in which case you should stop reading this. Now.

The ALUMINUM FOIL TEST is a scientifically designed test that is the best judge of determining whether or not a burrito will, in fact, be delicious. When the Burrito Artist is finished with his/her work, they wrap the burrito in aluminum foil. The Aluminum Foil Test states that if the aluminum foil does not cover the entire burrito--meaning there is a little strip of freedom that is left unprotected--then it is a guarantee that the burrito will be delicious. For scientific purposes, it should be noted the aluminum foil used is PRE-CUT, meaning that the size of the aluminum foil sheet is an industry standard and therefore can be accurately used for measurement.

TASTY NUG-ISHNESS involves the little things that each competitor does to make every burrito eating experience more enjoyable. For example, if tortilla chips come with my burrito, that is a Tasty Nug. If I can get the chick making my burrito to give me extra beans by flirting with her, that is also a Tasty Nug.


The Analysis:

BURRITO #1: The Joey Bag of Donuts (MOE'S)

Price: 5.99.

Aluminum Foil Test: Passes occasionally, but not with the consistency that burrito eaters expect.

Tasty Nugs: Free tortilla chips with burrito (a HUGE plus--this counts double). Only 8 stamps necessary for a free burrito.

Overall: They have a vegetarian burrito called the Art Vandalay. I have no idea what Art Vandalay has to do with vegetarian burritos. The name thing (Joey Bag of Donuts, Art Vandalay, Homewrecker) is different, but too gimmicky. Other than that, Moe's is solid all around, and really steps up it's game with those tortilla chips. BCS SCORE: 4.34


BURRITO #2: Grilled Stuffed Burrito (TACO BELL)

Price: 2.79

Aluminum Foil Test: Fails. They don't even use aluminum foil.

Tasty Nugs: Can get it drive through, if you like that sort of thing.

Overall Assessment: I can not recommend the Grilled Stuffed Burrito unless you are in hurry and really need a burrito! BCS SCORE: 4.79


BURRITO #3: Chicken Ranchera Burrito (QDOBA)

Price: 5.49

Aluminum Foil Test: Passes consistently and thouroughly.

Tasty Nugs: There are many. If you flirt with the blond chick, she'll give you extra beans or chicken. If you bring your UGA card, you get a free drink. It takes ten stamps to get a free burrito, but only five to get a free chips and salsa.

Overall Assessment: Delicious, with many Nugs. The epitome of burrito eating. BCS SCORE: 4.01


BURRITO #4: The Fatty (BARBERITOS)

Price: 5.49

Aluminum Foil Test: Almost always fails. Will pass if you know one of the people working and get them to hook you up.

Tasty Nugs: I think they're supposed to give free chips, but they didn't. Either they forgot, or don't give chips, or something. But I didn't get chips. So no Nug.

Overall Assessment: Skinny burritos. Asshole workers (If you're pissed off because you work at Barberitos, quit. Don't take it out on me). No Nuggets. I cannot recommend Barberitos to anyone. BCS SCORE: 4.81


CURRENT BCS STANDINGS:
1. Qdoba 4.01
2. Moe's 4.34
3. Taco Bell 4.79
4. Barberitos 4.81

2 comments:

El Dude-a-rino said...

The Q-dubb is my top choice too. For an even better burrito eating experience, order your Q-Doba burrito with the "queso sauce" its a warm gooey, cheesy, yummy, wonder. It doubles the quality of an already fine burrito. Another thing you can do is to get your Q-Doba burrito with the works, which includes the Queso sauce, Sour Cream, and Guacamole for the price of just getting one of these additions.


THE DUDE ABIDES

Artimus Prime said...

These Burritos are good.

However, nothing is better than my Man Manicotti.