The Greatest Danger To America

Friends, Civitonians, random visitors:

Today I must address the greatest danger to America and our way of life. This is an evil that has been plaguing us for several years now. An evil which has employed increasingly hostile methods to further its own cause. I know that this blog has never been a forum for political discussions, and I see no reason to change that, however, I feel that the problem must be properly addressed.

We are all familiar with this problem. Many of us deal with it daily. His name is Chris Cassimus. To many, Chris is known as a loyal friend, a funny guy, and a Greek-American. Don't let his witty man fool you. He is a danger that must be dealt with. Chris is a wolf in sheep's clothing, the bad apple that spoils the bunch, the HIV virus on the tip of the used heroin needle.

My fellow Civitonians: do not be taken in by his "charm."

You may be wondering what would posses someone to sit down and write about Chris in this manner. Well, my friends, allow me to explain. Chris is a deadbeat, a plagerist, and a hoodlum.

Chris would probably not want you to know that he currently owes me $50. This money has been owed to me for over a month now, and I am starting to believe that I will never see it. I have mentioned this to Chris several times, yet he has still not blessed my wallet with the money. In fact, one time, I was at Chris' apartment with him for sevearl hours. While there I asked him for the money, and when I did, he simply laughed and said that he would pay me. Well, Civitonians, this was over two weeks ago, and I have yet to see a dime. Remember that the baseball season is over and I will not be earning any more money until mid-April, so it is important to collect my debts promptly.

Fifty dollars is a big deal, yet, by itself is not enough to declare Chris to be a poison. In fact, I probably would never have realized the truth about Mr. Cassimus if it hadn't been for an incident that occurred over the last several days. This weekend we were at Civy and one of our favorite discussion points was brought up: Moose. I said that someone should write a blog article about him, and Tyler and Chris both immediately "assigned" me the topic, saying I should write it. On Monday, I honestly spent over 30 minutes online trying to find out any information on Moose. Yesterday, (Tuesday) during a stressful day of playing Madden and watching TV, I began to think out how I would address the topic, planning out much of the article in my head. When I became satisfied that the article was properly outlined (and after the World Series of Poker was over), I went into my room to type the article. The first thing I saw was a message from Chris that said "Are you gonna write it?" As soon as I saw it, I responded with "yeh." He then told me that it was "too late" that he was already stealing my topic and that he was "too deep" into writing it to stop.

This is not the only example of Chris stealing ideas. Sophomore year, I started an anti-police group known as PAP (People Against Pigs). Chris became overwhelmed with intense feelings of "jealousy and envy" (in his own words) and started a rival group called PACK (People About Cop Killing). Tsk Tsk Chris, violence is not the answer.

Another time, after becoming extremely covetous of the fact that several of his friends held membership in the underground organization known as CARL, Chris started another unorigonal group called Anti-Carl. This led to a prank war that began with the juvenile act of toilet papering my room, then moved on to me valiently putting shaving cream on his jeep. Chris then caused a massive escalation of the war by SMASHING MY CAR WINDOW, AND ATTEMPTING TO STEAL MY STEREO! I'm not saying that I responded to this, but you should ask Chris where in Georgia he was when his car engine blew up.

I want to make it clear that I do not hate Chris. He is a good friend of mine and a fellow Viper (sssssssssssssssssss), but he is a problem that must be dealt with, if only for the good of America and all of humanity.

The Dude Abides

P.S. I didn't even mention above that during the past year, Chris has been attempting to steal my own father away from me.