Sunday, April 10, 2005
Sunday, April 03, 2005
I POSTED THIS UNDER COMMENTS FOR FEECH'S BCS ARTICLE, BUT REALIZED NO ONE WOULD SEEE IT THERE:
The Q-dubb is my top choice too. For an even better burrito eating experience, order your Q-Doba burrito with the "queso sauce" its a warm gooey, cheesy, yummy, wonder. It doubles the quality of an already fine burrito. Another thing you can do is to get your Q-Doba burrito with the works, which includes the Queso sauce, Sour Cream, and Guacamole forjust about the price of just getting one of these additions.
THE DUDE ABIDES
Whattup Civy dudes and guests!
I am pleased to report that I have a new favorite show. I would be willing to bet that no one reading this, other than the people who watched the show with me yesterday have ever seen it before.
I was flipping through the channels Saturday about or so, bored as shit and unable to find anything cool. This quickly changed when I reached channel 96, a Spanish language channel. And saw a show which I later learned was called "Mega Match." What I saw both shocked and excited me. Before describing the show, I must promise you that I was not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol, and that there were witnesses who watched some parts of the show with me.
Imagine a long row of monkey bars, like 25-30 rungs long. Now there were two teams, one wearing yellow shirts, and one in green. The teams were lined up on the bars, hanging down and facing off towards each other. Right after I began watching, a whistle sounded and the first competitor on each team climbed towards the middle. When they were on consecutive rungs, the dude started kicking the fucking shit out of each other. I mean these fuckers were going at it hardcore. Most of the kicks landed directly in the face or neck, while others struck players in their chests and stomachs! When a player would fall off the rung, his opponent would jump off too and they would both run to the end of their lines. This even went on for three full minutes and was brutal as shit. The highlight of this event was when one player swung his leg around his opponent's neck, and used his other foot to repeatedly kick his opponent in the face. Although he was kicking really hard and rapidly, this opponent actually hung on longer than any other player. It was over 45 seconds before this dude finally lost his grip and was pulled down! Talk about perseverance.
The next event was really sweet too. On this event, there was a long Slip-N-Slide style contraption. It was elevated about 2 and half feet in the air. There was a ramp on the front and back of this Slip-N-Slide, and there was water being pumped onto it so it was completely soaked. Contestants were given two large buckets of water, and the goal was simple: run across the Slip-N-Slide and dump your water into a huge bucket, the whole time, trying to avoid falling. Whichever team got their bucket filled higher would win. Each team was allotted three minutes to get as much water in the bucket as possible. Sounds kinda tough, but still manageable. However, there was catch. While you tried to run across a wet, slippery surface and carry two large buckets of water, the entire other team was positioned below the Slip-N-Slide. The other team would kick up into the Slip-N-Slide, spraying water everywhere, and knocking opponents on the slide. If this wasn't brutal enough, once you fell face first into the slide, the other team continued to kick you. I saw many players get kicked in the face and balls after they had fallen. Some players were kicked so hard that when they lost their balance, they were thrown entirely of the Slip-N-Slide and crash landed on the floor (usually landing on their backs or necks). Needless to say, there weren't too many players who made it safely across.
This was the last of the violent games that I saw, but the final game that I watched on the show was some weird-ass contest where two players would slide across a layer of ice and ring a bell. Whoever rang the bell first would sing karaoke to the crowd. If they did a good job, (which was very very rare) they were rewarded by getting confetti dumped all over them. But, if they did a bad job singing (which happened about 9 out of every 10 times). A trapdoor would open above them, and they would get completely soaked in this red, chunky solution that
Soon after this, the power went out and I was unable to see any more kickassness, however, in advertisements for the show, there appeared to be tons and tons more violent events for me to watch. This show may not sound so kickass to you, but for those of us who watched it, it was completely fucking awesome. At times, I laughed so hard that tears were coming down my face, while at other times, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack.
The only way to honestly describe this show would be to call it a violent version of the show Double Dare.
I only watched for an hour, but the show lasted for 2 or 3 hours (I forgot which). Plus the hostess was really hot and I hope to marry her one day.
I believe that Mega Match airs on Saturdays at on channel 96 (Telemundo).
THE DUDE ABIDES
The competitors: Moe's, Qdoba, Barberitos, Taco Bell.
Formula components: Price. The Aluminum Foil Test. Tasty Nug-ishness.
The PRICE is self explanatory, unless you an idiot, in which case you should stop reading this. Now.
The ALUMINUM FOIL TEST is a scientifically designed test that is the best judge of determining whether or not a burrito will, in fact, be delicious. When the Burrito Artist is finished with his/her work, they wrap the burrito in aluminum foil. The Aluminum Foil Test states that if the aluminum foil does not cover the entire burrito--meaning there is a little strip of freedom that is left unprotected--then it is a guarantee that the burrito will be delicious. For scientific purposes, it should be noted the aluminum foil used is PRE-CUT, meaning that the size of the aluminum foil sheet is an industry standard and therefore can be accurately used for measurement.
TASTY NUG-ISHNESS involves the little things that each competitor does to make every burrito eating experience more enjoyable. For example, if tortilla chips come with my burrito, that is a Tasty Nug. If I can get the chick making my burrito to give me extra beans by flirting with her, that is also a Tasty Nug.
BURRITO #1: The Joey Bag of Donuts (MOE'S)
Aluminum Foil Test: Passes occasionally, but not with the consistency that burrito eaters expect.
Tasty Nugs: Free tortilla chips with burrito (a HUGE plus--this counts double). Only 8 stamps necessary for a free burrito.
Overall: They have a vegetarian burrito called the Art Vandalay. I have no idea what Art Vandalay has to do with vegetarian burritos. The name thing (Joey Bag of Donuts, Art Vandalay, Homewrecker) is different, but too gimmicky. Other than that, Moe's is solid all around, and really steps up it's game with those tortilla chips. BCS SCORE: 4.34
BURRITO #2: Grilled Stuffed Burrito (TACO BELL)
Aluminum Foil Test: Fails. They don't even use aluminum foil.
Tasty Nugs: Can get it drive through, if you like that sort of thing.
Overall Assessment: I can not recommend the Grilled Stuffed Burrito unless you are in hurry and really need a burrito! BCS SCORE: 4.79
BURRITO #3: Chicken Ranchera Burrito (QDOBA)
Aluminum Foil Test: Passes consistently and thouroughly.
Tasty Nugs: There are many. If you flirt with the blond chick, she'll give you extra beans or chicken. If you bring your UGA card, you get a free drink. It takes ten stamps to get a free burrito, but only five to get a free chips and salsa.
Overall Assessment: Delicious, with many Nugs. The epitome of burrito eating. BCS SCORE: 4.01
BURRITO #4: The Fatty (BARBERITOS)
Aluminum Foil Test: Almost always fails. Will pass if you know one of the people working and get them to hook you up.
Tasty Nugs: I think they're supposed to give free chips, but they didn't. Either they forgot, or don't give chips, or something. But I didn't get chips. So no Nug.
Overall Assessment: Skinny burritos. Asshole workers (If you're pissed off because you work at Barberitos, quit. Don't take it out on me). No Nuggets. I cannot recommend Barberitos to anyone. BCS SCORE: 4.81
CURRENT BCS STANDINGS:
1. Qdoba 4.01
2. Moe's 4.34
3. Taco Bell 4.79
4. Barberitos 4.81